I find myself growing increasingly agitated and distracted by sounds of any kind. It seems as though I can hear everything, everywhere. There's constant noise, both in the physical world and in my head. I'm never able to just sit and work on something. I'm never able to focus in on one topic and carry my thoughts through to the end.
Every waking moment of my life feels loud.
My parents start talking to me; I get text messages; I start obsessively thinking about situations that have already happened or that might happen in the future; I have to pee; I have to brush my teeth; do I feel like taking a shower?; I haven't written a blog in a while; I have an idea for a book; I should probably get some reading in; why is my room so messy?; has anyone posted anything new on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter?; how about now?
What's the most important? Where has my ability to prioritize gone? I spend hours each day thinking about the kind of life I want to lead, the kind of person I want to be. This time could be better spent actually becoming that person, but it just doesn't happen. It feels like it can't happen because I'm always being interrupted by noise.
This prevents me from creating a routine or a structure that I can stick to. I feel like the only solution is to set alarms on my phone telling me exactly when to do things, but that's just more noise. Time just seems to run away before I even realize what's happening. It slips right through my fingers before I even manage to recognize that I'm not even doing anything at all, I'm just barely existing and being carried around by distractions.
Even this short post required multiple breaks and an incredible amount of determination to finish. I have more drafts than actual posts. Things that I really wanted to say at the time that I have since completely forgotten.
What kind of life is this, really? Can I really live like this? Most of the time I feel like the answer to that question is no.
