Am I capable of graduate study?

My mom has been pushing the issue of applying for disability for a while and since the Obamacare insurance deadline is coming up, she decided that it's the perfect time to put in the application, even though it takes five months to start paying out anyhow.

While we were at the lawyer's office, my mom asks about what would happen if we were to move once it was instated and tells him that I am applying to graduate school. Of course, this results in a question on his side: is she really capable of keeping up with school? If so, then why not work?

He asked further questions about where I went to school and what I studied, and commented on the fact that English was a useless degree, and I explained very hastily and passionately that literature was the one thing that I can actually do and if I were to be able to work at the same job for a reasonable amount of time, it would be in this field.

But of course his questions have made me doubt myself. Am I capable? I've been struggling with reading comprehension, memory, and attention issues. I had a bit of a crisis, but I guess we'll see.

Black-and-White Thinking

This post has been inspired by a book that I'm currently reading: Change Your Thinking: Overcome Stress, Anxiety & Depression, and Improve Your Life with CBT by Dr. Sarah Edelman.

The second chapter of her book, Recognizing Faulty Thinking lists a multitude of common logical mistakes that people make when thinking about their present situations and circumstances. I may write more posts as I go if more of them strike me as closely as this one did, but I don't want to lose my focus right now.

Rather recently, both my mom and stepfather pointed out that I always had problems socially. While I agree that I wasn't an overly social child or teenager, at the time I never really noticed how reclusive I really was. I have a notoriously unreliable memory, but when I think back on my life, I know I preferred being alone most of the time. I did have friends here and there, but never anything long-term and I never really got close to people. I never really wondered why, it just never really happened. I was never interested in people.  

At some point my mom brought up that as far as people were concerned, I always either really loved someone or really hated them. She said if a friend or a boyfriend did something wrong, I immediately cut them off and proceeded to completely forget they ever existed. This is something I notice a little bit in my life as an adult, but hearing her describe my childhood like this shocked and saddened me to a degree, even knowing I preferred to be alone. It just seems so brash and cold, and I never thought I came off that way. I never understood social relationships.

I never really did see any middle ground, not just in my social life but at all whatsoever. It either is or it isn't, what's the problem?

Sarah Edelman writes an example of this type of thinking in her book: "Sasha's black-and-white thinking causes her to feel unnecessary resentment, and limits her ability to make friends and enjoy social relationships."

Recognizing this as faulty thinking is going to be a bit tough but hopefully with the help of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy I can turn it around. As I've been able to recognize my behavior more in adulthood and have considered what I want for my life, I've realized that I shut people out, alienate them, and generally make them feel terrible and that's not what I mean to do. Then I wonder why my relationships don't work out or why I only really have one friend. Why people don't include me in their social circles and look at me like I'm crazy when I try to socialize. Some have said to me "that's just the way she is" and that they know me and it's okay when I'm out of line, but those kinds of flippant dismissals just make me feel worse about myself.

I know that my mood disorder has caused a lot of the issues -- cancelling plans, causing an argument over nothing, refusing to compromise, not responding to someone's messages, thinking and acting selfishly, etc -- but now that I'm on my medication and my moods are relatively stable, I can take steps to change these behaviors and I no longer have any excuse for making everyone around me miserable. I no longer have to see things in black and white, I can choose to see the gray. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm lowering my standards or that anyone is any "worse" than I am, but that not everyone agrees on everything and not everyone has to comply with my moods.

The older I get, the more I wish I had more social skills and was able to be a better friend, the more I wish I had someone to turn to when I wanted to talk. I hope cognitive behavioral therapy helps me to fix my faulty thinking and develop friendships so I can provide support for others and give something in return.

This first and foremost includes my parents who have forever loved me and provided for me even though I've always had these problems and never done anything for them. I guess we'll see. 

Some time ago, the writer of some magazine article that I've since forgotten quoted Slash and discussed a principle that I immediately loved and have tried to keep in mind ever since. That principle was that if you wanted to make your dream job a reality, you should treat your passion as if it was already your job, no matter what it is. 

For him this meant playing guitar for at least 8 hours a day.

For me it means: if you want to be a writer, write for 8 hours a day. If you want to be a professor, read literature and literary theory for at least 8 hours a day.

Reading Benjamin Franklin's Autobiography only added to that advice. Seeing the way he divides his day into 8-hour increments and admiring the way he breaks down his day, I was only further convinced that committing 8 hours a day was the way to go.

While filling out my applications, though, I've realized that I have lost that principle once again. I find myself thinking about books as if I've already read them and writing Statements of Purpose as though I'm compiling a list of all the things I want to do while simultaneously failing to begin doing them. How can I expect to survive as a graduate student if I barely read anymore? I will undoubtedly get overwhelmed with the sheer amount of reading required and freeze with anxiety if I don't start getting back into it sooner rather than later.

This is exactly the type of behavior that gets me into trouble. I get ahead of myself. I need to take it one step at a time and start treating this as if it's my job, which means at least 8 hours of reading books and writing about them without constant television, video game, and text message interruptions.

A lot of literature I've read about my disorder, and a lot of my sessions with my therapist have led back to the fact that structure and routine is something that I will always struggle with. No matter how many to-do lists I make, whether digital or written, no matter how many calendars I keep, no matter how much I tell myself I need to do something, I always end up forgetting about it and doing whatever I feel like doing. However, in order to take control of my moods and my days overall, I need to implement some sort of routine. Letting my mood dictate my entire life is not going to lead to any kind of accomplishment at all. 

Self-discipline is a part of the balancing act that I don't think I will ever perfect, but it's crucial that it's something that I become more aware of and work harder toward maintaining.