Black-and-White Thinking

This post has been inspired by a book that I'm currently reading: Change Your Thinking: Overcome Stress, Anxiety & Depression, and Improve Your Life with CBT by Dr. Sarah Edelman.

The second chapter of her book, Recognizing Faulty Thinking lists a multitude of common logical mistakes that people make when thinking about their present situations and circumstances. I may write more posts as I go if more of them strike me as closely as this one did, but I don't want to lose my focus right now.

Rather recently, both my mom and stepfather pointed out that I always had problems socially. While I agree that I wasn't an overly social child or teenager, at the time I never really noticed how reclusive I really was. I have a notoriously unreliable memory, but when I think back on my life, I know I preferred being alone most of the time. I did have friends here and there, but never anything long-term and I never really got close to people. I never really wondered why, it just never really happened. I was never interested in people.  

At some point my mom brought up that as far as people were concerned, I always either really loved someone or really hated them. She said if a friend or a boyfriend did something wrong, I immediately cut them off and proceeded to completely forget they ever existed. This is something I notice a little bit in my life as an adult, but hearing her describe my childhood like this shocked and saddened me to a degree, even knowing I preferred to be alone. It just seems so brash and cold, and I never thought I came off that way. I never understood social relationships.

I never really did see any middle ground, not just in my social life but at all whatsoever. It either is or it isn't, what's the problem?

Sarah Edelman writes an example of this type of thinking in her book: "Sasha's black-and-white thinking causes her to feel unnecessary resentment, and limits her ability to make friends and enjoy social relationships."

Recognizing this as faulty thinking is going to be a bit tough but hopefully with the help of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy I can turn it around. As I've been able to recognize my behavior more in adulthood and have considered what I want for my life, I've realized that I shut people out, alienate them, and generally make them feel terrible and that's not what I mean to do. Then I wonder why my relationships don't work out or why I only really have one friend. Why people don't include me in their social circles and look at me like I'm crazy when I try to socialize. Some have said to me "that's just the way she is" and that they know me and it's okay when I'm out of line, but those kinds of flippant dismissals just make me feel worse about myself.

I know that my mood disorder has caused a lot of the issues -- cancelling plans, causing an argument over nothing, refusing to compromise, not responding to someone's messages, thinking and acting selfishly, etc -- but now that I'm on my medication and my moods are relatively stable, I can take steps to change these behaviors and I no longer have any excuse for making everyone around me miserable. I no longer have to see things in black and white, I can choose to see the gray. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm lowering my standards or that anyone is any "worse" than I am, but that not everyone agrees on everything and not everyone has to comply with my moods.

The older I get, the more I wish I had more social skills and was able to be a better friend, the more I wish I had someone to turn to when I wanted to talk. I hope cognitive behavioral therapy helps me to fix my faulty thinking and develop friendships so I can provide support for others and give something in return.

This first and foremost includes my parents who have forever loved me and provided for me even though I've always had these problems and never done anything for them. I guess we'll see.