BEFORE I BEGIN THIS POST I WANT TO MAKE ONE THING CLEAR: This is me reaching out. This is me being straight-forward and clear about something I have never learned to do and I need help. I need a support system, which is something I've never been able to cultivate on my own. I need people who will stick by me through bad and good - who will tell me when I'm an asshat and when I'm doing things well.
I want to learn to be a better person and a better friend and I can't do that if I keep scaring people away with my episodes, which is exactly what keeps happening. This takes complete dedication on the part of the friend, and I know it's a lot to ask, but I think every human being is worth a shot. I'm working hard on my end and all I ask is to have a few people that will come along for the ride with me.
This post was inspired by my reaching out to a friend for support during a time of need. I know I need to learn to be more considerate and express that need more clearly, but what it led to is the loss of interest for friendship on all parties. So let's start at the beginning.
Whenever the doctors ask me if I'm suicidal, I lie. I say no because I know I don't have the guts to stick a blade in my arm or in my chest. I don't have the gall to shoot myself in the head or walk into a body of water with a pocket full of rocks. I can't envision my limp body hanging from a rope like David Foster Wallace. That is what suicide means to me. It is tragic, it is romantic. It signifies something greater than words, something greater than mortality, something greater even than philosophy itself.
However, on more than one occasion I have either had enough to drink or taken enough drugs that my physical body should be on that cold slab which glimmers with sterility in the backs of our collective subconscious whether we are aware of it or not. Whether or not this is intentional is beyond me.
I play it off as an accident, of course. A couple little parties that I took a bit too far. By the grace of whatever God does or does not exist, I don't have an addictive personality or that could have gotten really bad really quickly.
I won't even count the amount of times that I've pushed my body to the limit with alcohol -- I'm sure we've all had these moments, though not all of us purposefully.
I'm CLASSIC BIPOLAR (quite severely, if my psychiatrist in Florida is to be believed). What this means is that I am the most brilliant, intelligent, funny, friendly person you will ever meet 90% of the time.
What this also means is that I have NO CLUE how to deal with depression. I don't know what depression means. I didn't know that the physical inability to leave my bed was depression. I didn't know that not being able to keep up with household duties was depression. I didn't know that having zero interest in anything around me at all whatsoever was depression. I guess, looking back it makes complete sense, but now I'm still struggling with learning how to deal with these things.
Since I've spent most of my life in the mania mode, dealing with depression is the most daunting prospect ever and that is where I find myself now.
I find myself without a support system, lashing out at anyone trying to help, searching to find hobbies, to find rays of light shining through the darkness to grab onto and hold on tight. But it seems that the more I reach out, the more people pull away.
I am losing my acquaintances one by one just by the way I react to things they say or do on a social media context and I just really need to learn how to interact with people better.
I don't even know if there are lessons for that but I just wanted to write this to let everyone know that I am TRYING so hard, and I hope that some of you might try, too. To let me know when my behavior is inappropriate, when I'm being illogical, when I'm talking too much, when I've gone too far.
Please stick it out with me and help me during these times when I need support. Recovery isn't instantaneous and it will probably be years before I can even be considered anywhere near stable, but with all of your help it will come very much sooner. <3
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