A Move in All Directions

To begin with a bit of a recap, I moved from Buffalo, NY to Boston, MA on August 6th, 2014. I've decided to pursue my interests in teaching literature at the community college or university level and I'm ecstatic to have been given the chance to move past the chaos of my early twenties. I'm very happy that this journey has taken me to a city that is so incredibly vibrant with academic life and infinite possibilities, no matter where life decides to take me.

That said, there are certainly challenges that come with living in a larger, more expensive city and one of those challenges is living with roommates. I'm 27 and an only child, so I've lived a pretty isolated existence so far. I've enjoyed my freedom and independence, but I also realize that this is not necessarily the most healthy way to live.

Though I have moderate social anxiety, I've been adjusting pretty well and getting used to the routines and expectations of others. The three other people who live in the apartment are incredible. They're all very kind and accommodating, and we all seem to be good at communicating with each other for the most part.

Now, of course there's a catch, because what kind of a story would this be if it ended with kind words about my wonderful roommates and living situation? The catch is this: someone has left me stranded in the stairwell between the basement laundry facilities and the door into the apartment which only locks from the inside.

In hindsight it seems like a likely complication. I arrived home at midnight, asked if it was okay to do my laundry, and proceeded to do so. I decided to stay downstairs for the dry cycle in order to avoid tramping up and down three flights of stairs multiple times. I'm not quite sure the precise circumstances that led to the apartment door being locked from the inside, but that is exactly what happened.

Do the doorbells even work? There is a bedroom right next to the door, maybe they'd hear me knock? Maybe if I wait long enough someone will have to use the bathroom?

So far it's been nearly 2 and a half hours and I've had no success. My phone died and my computer is on its last leg. I'm terrified both that I won't get into the apartment in time to get dressed and ready for work on time, and also that I will not survive the shift due to sheer exhaustion.

What is a girl to do but write about the absurdity of such a situation, intermittently rest, and try to remain alert for any signs of movement beyond the door?

Despite this setback, which in all honestly is quite funny, I'm very glad I made the choice to live with roommates. I've learned so much about life and human interaction. I've learned about consideration, communication, and responsibility.

And I've only been here two weeks. Now get me out of this basement!

Intervention

While I've been trying to read more lately, I am hesitant to leave the world of television completely behind because I know that I don't have it for much longer. I've been trying to diversity my consumption, however, and am keeping up with shows as they happen instead of watching re-runs of Law & Order all day.

That said, I've found that Intervention has found a new home and every now and then I catch it. I never really watched it during its initial run, but I'm glad I watch them now.

The one that struck me is an episode I just saw about a woman named Marci. She reminded me of myself in so many ways, right off the bat. Our drug habits were similar, our behaviors were similar, our stories were similar. She ended up detoxing and being diagnosed with bipolar disorder (which I knew would happen). A lot of her journey mirrored my own and I wanted to reach out and speak with her.

Unfortunately I haven't been able to find any sort of forum for discussion on these shows. I would love to reach out to her and send an e-mail just to connect. I would also love to discuss bipolar disorder in light of her experience with others who've seen the episode. Drug use in light of her experience. And also in light of my own. I'm not sure how that discussion would go, but it would be nice getting to know people and offering help.

I want to find some sort of support community for mental illness and addiction that is not www.crazyboards.org (though of course that site is great). I want to stimulate discussion.  Any tips?

The "Too Much/Too Many" Tragedy

I've rarely/never been able to carry a single project through to its end without starting something else in the meantime. Case in point: I wrote a post on my newer blog already today (www.nicolenaiad.com) which inspired me to come and write a post over here on this one about this very topic. How very "meta."

I'm not quite sure what's behind this characteristic of mine, but it's rather infuriating. I have so many different e-mail accounts, blogs, paper journals, books, etc. started that I always feel like I'm in a state of panic. For the most part, I created them all as distinct entities for one purpose or another. For example, I have my school e-mail addresses, I have one that I used specifically for music contacts, one just because I liked the name and wanted something more anonymous and personal, and many, many more for absolutely no reason. 

It's like I have to have at least one account on each provider just for the sake of it. 

Blogs, however, have a purpose. I created this one as kind of a catch-all, but I have tens more strewn all over the internet that I really would like to condense somehow. Maybe I could link them all on my newer blog, the main one. I don't know why I've always felt the need to create anew rather than continue with the existing ones. It probably has something to do with the fact that it's easier to start from scratch than to go back and edit something, especially when there are so many considerations to account for.

I also have the same problem with apps. I think I have every single "to-do" and "calendar" app that exists on the iOS platform. None of which I utilize (but I'm going to go do that now that I just remembered). 

I need to create habits. My brain is always in a million different places, it's never linear. I complain about this a lot. In fact, it's probably my most consistent topic in all of my journals. 

And whenever I complain about it, I remember that I want to do something about it so I start to do something ... and that lasts for maybe a day or two and then I forget and get lost again.

So here's to that cycle.

Recording depression as it happens.

BEFORE I BEGIN THIS POST I WANT TO MAKE ONE THING CLEAR: This is me reaching out. This is me being straight-forward and clear about something I have never learned to do and I need help. I need a support system, which is something I've never been able to cultivate on my own. I need people who will stick by me through bad and good - who will tell me when I'm an asshat and when I'm doing things well.

I want to learn to be a better person and a better friend and I can't do that if I keep scaring people away with my episodes, which is exactly what keeps happening. This takes complete dedication on the part of the friend, and I know it's a lot to ask, but I think every human being is worth a shot. I'm working hard on my end and all I ask is to have a few people that will come along for the ride with me.

This post was inspired by my reaching out to a friend for support during a time of need. I know I need to learn to be more considerate and express that need more clearly, but what it led to is the loss of interest for friendship on all parties. So let's start at the beginning.

Silence

I find myself growing increasingly agitated and distracted by sounds of any kind. It seems as though I can hear everything, everywhere. There's constant noise, both in the physical world and in my head. I'm never able to just sit and work on something. I'm never able to focus in on one topic and carry my thoughts through to the end.

Every waking moment of my life feels loud.

My parents start talking to me; I get text messages; I start obsessively thinking about situations that have already happened or that might happen in the future; I have to pee; I have to brush my teeth; do I feel like taking a shower?; I haven't written a blog in a while; I have an idea for a book; I should probably get some reading in; why is my room so messy?; has anyone posted anything new on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter?; how about now?

What's the most important? Where has my ability to prioritize gone? I spend hours each day thinking about the kind of life I want to lead, the kind of person I want to be. This time could be better spent actually becoming that person, but it just doesn't happen. It feels like it can't happen because I'm always being interrupted by noise.

This prevents me from creating a routine or a structure that I can stick to. I feel like the only solution is to set alarms on my phone telling me exactly when to do things, but that's just more noise. Time just seems to run away before I even realize what's happening. It slips right through my fingers before I even manage to recognize that I'm not even doing anything at all, I'm just barely existing and being carried around by distractions.

Even this short post required multiple breaks and an incredible amount of determination to finish. I have more drafts than actual posts. Things that I really wanted to say at the time that I have since completely forgotten.

What kind of life is this, really? Can I really live like this? Most of the time I feel like the answer to that question is no.

Turning Twenty-Seven

Although 27 really isn't a milestone birthday for most people, it feels like a big one to me because it is the first birthday on which I actually feel some sort of awareness. Over the past year, I have undergone an awakening of sorts. In fact, now that I think about it, this transformation has actually been occurring since the moment I left Buffalo four years ago.

Recently I've been ruminating over my decision to leave Buffalo. It wasn't really a decision as much as a compulsion. I'd always hated living in Buffalo because I felt like I exhausted my options here and I was just ready to move on to bigger and better things. Things that I didn't (and still don't) think were available in Buffalo.

I chose Pittsburgh because I was in love. I was in love with someone I met when I was 15, and after I had driven down to visit him numerous times, I fell in love with the city that he called home. I think I knew deep down that the love connection wasn't really going to work out. First loves rarely do. But I still loved the city.

So I moved. And it was awesome. The first year was absolutely fantastic. I worked full-time as a head server at an Italian restaurant. I played an integral part in developing their wine list. I was able to afford all of my bills with extra spending money, I had a car, I had a single apartment and kept it clean. I had the intentions of applying to graduate school.   

So what happened?

Somewhere things went wrong. The love of my life drifted away from me. I discovered painkillers and cocaine and finally gave in to the illness that had really been tugging at my shirt-sleeves since I was a teenager.

I miss the early days, before my disorder got so out of control that I couldn't keep myself together. I moved to Pittsburgh four months after I turned 23. As I find myself back in Buffalo, turning 27, I feel like I am right where I was in 2010, except now I'm just slightly more stable.

I've finally followed through with my earlier intention to apply to graduate school. This summer I may find myself moving out of state again -- to Seattle, to State College, or to Boston. I'm now aware of the disorder that blindsided me two years ago. I'm more vigilant and self-aware.

But am I capable of living on my own? Will I ever be? Can I ever recover from the damage that has been done in the past 4 years? Can I keep up with the necessary maintenance required for my disorder?

My credit has been pretty terrible since I turned 18, I lost my license two years ago, and I haven't worked in 9 months. I got hand tattoos that I absolutely love but deep down kind of regret. My nose has been broken twice, I had a concussion, my spine is compressed and my whole body is often stiff and sore. I owe a ton of money for medical bills and I can't even begin to think about how many personal items I've lost in the process of moving, escaping bad relationships, and drunkenness.

Twenty-seven is a big birthday for me because I'm now aware enough to be able to ask these questions. It's a big birthday because it's the year that I turn my life around and start moving in a positive direction again. It's the year I take responsibility for myself and my actions and continue with the changes that I've already begun to make. I will find meaning again. 

Meanderie Reads

Although I have created a separate blog to host all of my readerly insights of 2014, I have yet to really begin over there and I have had a thought that I'd like to express.

You see, I've been filling out these graduate school applications and that's all fine and well, but I still feel like I'm only grazing the surface of what I want to study. It's difficult for me to corral all of my thoughts into a three-page statement of purpose, and it's frustrating for me to try to pretend that I don't know exactly what I want to study for my PhD.

So when my advising professor proposed that I include a section explaining why I am applying to master's programs instead of doctoral programs, I was stumped for a moment. How to best explain that I want to even out my grades and prove that I am worthy? I made a show of the fact that I learn better in more focused studies, using that to explain away less-than-stellar grades that were really due to my flights of manic fancy. It's true that I got my best grades in the courses that most closely mimicked graduate level courses, and I do think that's a reasonable explanation.

I do think I will benefit greatly from a couple of extra years studying the classics and getting a better sense of my area of specialization. But on some level, I will be reading for that specialization no matter what course I'm taking. If I am in medieval literature, I will be reading with an eye to how eighteenth-century satirists stole from Rabelais and Chaucer. If I'm studying post-modernism, I will be reading how Foster Wallace and Pynchon stole from Sterne and Swift. If I'm studying Milton, I will somehow be considering Enlightenment philosophy.

I think I will also end up reading toward narrative theory and cognitive science, regardless. While this kind of compulsive linking is definitely beneficial and is far better than coasting through a master's program without taking advantage of its offerings, I still feel like I will be somewhat condescending toward the whole experience. I am afraid that I can't change my feelings that it is a waste of time that could be spent working on a doctoral project.

On one hand, I feel like I do need to pay my dues and earn my way through. I can't just expect to be admitted to a good doctoral program because I have ideas. I feel like my professor had the right idea suggesting that I build myself up with this master's program so that I can get into a top-notch doctoral program with someone that I truly want to study under. On the other hand, I'm impatient to get to work on the ideas I already have and I am also afraid that I will get bored if I'm not able to start focusing on them right now. It's a double-edged sword. And I don't want to forget about this project and latch onto something new. I know that a lot of students go in with ideas and come out with completely different projects, but I don't want to be that student. I want to follow this one through before I go off on some tangent.

Anyway, those are my thoughts right now. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

The reading blog will be at www.meanderiereads.blogspot.com whenever I get around to updating it with the one book I've read so far this year.

Dr. E. Fuller Torrey, Schizophrenia, Bipolar, and Me.

Dr. E Fuller Torrey's opinion is that schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are one and the same. Although this isn't the first time I've read reports that make this claim, the degenerative quality of my disorder leads to a stronger understanding of the truth within it. The more delusions and psychotic breaks I have as a result of mania induced anxiety, the more I fear that I will lose complete control on a more regular basis. 

"The brains of individuals with these diseases are measurably different from individuals who do not have these diseases, both structurally and functionally." Source

Although I can't say I remember everything that's happened in the year and a half since I've been diagnosed, I do know that I've had several instances of what I understand to be psychosis. Far more than many sources have indicated as the norm. And the thing is that I've only really kept track of the episodes that have included hallucination, dissociation, and extreme delusions because I've been under the impression that the intensity of the symptom was a distinguishing factor. From what I've read recently, though, even less severe delusions and feelings of unreality are considered psychotic. This site even suggests that merely the most serious and intense symptoms of mania can be considered psychotic.

Here is a list of the major psychotic breaks that I recall since I entered my first inpatient rehab, which is where I was diagnosed:

- On three separate occasions (twice at White Deer Run and once at Greenbriar) I was described as restlessly walking in circles, wringing my hands and mumbling about something ridiculously insignificant. At Greenbriar I spoke of towels. I'm not quite sure about White Deer Run because I left when they couldn't get me in for another psych visit soon enough.

- At Greenbriar, I woke up and both shoulders were stiff and completely immobile. I was advised to sit in the shower to let the hot water loosen my muscles. While I did so I had a very vivid visual hallucination. My eyes were closed and it was very dark. Ephemerally emerging from the darkness, the glow of bone appeared and solidified into a ribcage, surrounding me entirely. All of a sudden a knife plunged in between the ribs and came toward me, repeatedly stopping just inches from my face.

-  While fighting with Mike, he threatened to kill me and the cats, so I gathered all of my belongings and barricaded myself into the living room. After a few days I was completely detached from any meaningful sense of reality. I paced all over the apartment and eventually left the house in inadequate pajamas, neglecting to put on shoes or take my keys. I wandered around the South Side of Pittsburgh aimlessly, unsure of where I was going, what I was doing,or even who I was at all. It was strangely dizzying and basically amounted to a long, intense panic attack with delusions that I was a ghost wandering the streets. 

- When I was moving from Pittsburgh to Florida, my aunt picked me up and took me back to Buffalo so I could be on the same flight as she and her boyfriend. When we got to Buffalo, I went out with a few of my cousins and good friends. Toward the end of the night, someone asked me how I spent my last night in Pittsburgh and I mentioned something that didn't sit well with one of my cousins. He confronted me about it and apparently I got so upset that I dissociated and ran away incoherently, hiding in backyards until my friends had no choice but to call 911 -- at which point an ambulance came, strapped me onto a gurney, tranquilized me, and took me to Erie County Medical Center. Once the tranquilizer wore off, I remember flipping and throwing trash cans because I couldn't sleep. Needless to say, they tranquilized me again. Somehow my father managed to get me out the next day and I flew to Florida by myself.

There are a few others that aren't really worth writing about, especially in comparison to these ones. 

There were also episodes when I was a child that were attributed to lucid dreams or that weren't taken seriously at all. I'm pretty certain my math teacher wouldn't be at all surprised with my diagnosis, considering how many times I yelled and cussed at her about how I would be a famous musician if only high school wasn't holding me back.

Anyhow, this post was inspired by the paper that I'm editing for use as a writing sample. It addresses Freud's concept of the uncanny, which has a relationship with psychosis that is better saved for another post.  

I don't believe in holistic treatment, but just maybe...

“Bipolar disorder, we now believe, isn’t a disease of too much or too little serotonin or dopamine. It is not about the ‘chemical soup’ of neurotransmitters in the brain, but rather it is about synaptic and neural plasticity.”

“What we’ve learned in the last 10 years is that whether we’re talking about memory or mood or movement, all advanced brain functions involve changes in the ability to convey information between synapses in different circuits.”

These quotes from Dr. Husseini Manji appear in an article written about new treatments of bipolar disorder. The primary supposition is that mood disorders are concerned with the synaptic plasticity of the brain rather than the excess or lack of certain neurochemicals. He believes that the shrinkage or atrophy of neurons makes communication across the synapses between them much more difficult, if not impossible. Considering the difficulties I've been having with verbal recall lately, this seems like a reasonable explanation.

Although I'm definitely not an expert in neuroscience, it also makes sense to me that the effects of this atrophy or shrinkage depend on the specific neurons being affected. The hope of finding ways to reverse, or at least halt the intellectual problems I've been having has led me to spend a substantial amount of time researching neuroscience and one of the many things I've learned so far is that neurons can be classified as to whether they perform sensory or motor functions. Mood disorders, then, would be a result of the degeneration of sensory neurons. The delusions, leaps of logic, irritability and psychosis all seem to me as if they'd fall under the jurisdiction of sensory neurons. 

I just wish that there was some way to harness the good parts of my mania and prevent the crash that happens when it's over. I think I will eventually see if I can decrease my dosage and try to control the negative aspects of my disorder with cognitive behavioral therapy. Before I became a Depakote zombie, the neurons of mine that are not atrophied worked exceptionally well. I would like to have that back, please! 

Am I capable of graduate study?

My mom has been pushing the issue of applying for disability for a while and since the Obamacare insurance deadline is coming up, she decided that it's the perfect time to put in the application, even though it takes five months to start paying out anyhow.

While we were at the lawyer's office, my mom asks about what would happen if we were to move once it was instated and tells him that I am applying to graduate school. Of course, this results in a question on his side: is she really capable of keeping up with school? If so, then why not work?

He asked further questions about where I went to school and what I studied, and commented on the fact that English was a useless degree, and I explained very hastily and passionately that literature was the one thing that I can actually do and if I were to be able to work at the same job for a reasonable amount of time, it would be in this field.

But of course his questions have made me doubt myself. Am I capable? I've been struggling with reading comprehension, memory, and attention issues. I had a bit of a crisis, but I guess we'll see.

Black-and-White Thinking

This post has been inspired by a book that I'm currently reading: Change Your Thinking: Overcome Stress, Anxiety & Depression, and Improve Your Life with CBT by Dr. Sarah Edelman.

The second chapter of her book, Recognizing Faulty Thinking lists a multitude of common logical mistakes that people make when thinking about their present situations and circumstances. I may write more posts as I go if more of them strike me as closely as this one did, but I don't want to lose my focus right now.

Rather recently, both my mom and stepfather pointed out that I always had problems socially. While I agree that I wasn't an overly social child or teenager, at the time I never really noticed how reclusive I really was. I have a notoriously unreliable memory, but when I think back on my life, I know I preferred being alone most of the time. I did have friends here and there, but never anything long-term and I never really got close to people. I never really wondered why, it just never really happened. I was never interested in people.  

At some point my mom brought up that as far as people were concerned, I always either really loved someone or really hated them. She said if a friend or a boyfriend did something wrong, I immediately cut them off and proceeded to completely forget they ever existed. This is something I notice a little bit in my life as an adult, but hearing her describe my childhood like this shocked and saddened me to a degree, even knowing I preferred to be alone. It just seems so brash and cold, and I never thought I came off that way. I never understood social relationships.

I never really did see any middle ground, not just in my social life but at all whatsoever. It either is or it isn't, what's the problem?

Sarah Edelman writes an example of this type of thinking in her book: "Sasha's black-and-white thinking causes her to feel unnecessary resentment, and limits her ability to make friends and enjoy social relationships."

Recognizing this as faulty thinking is going to be a bit tough but hopefully with the help of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy I can turn it around. As I've been able to recognize my behavior more in adulthood and have considered what I want for my life, I've realized that I shut people out, alienate them, and generally make them feel terrible and that's not what I mean to do. Then I wonder why my relationships don't work out or why I only really have one friend. Why people don't include me in their social circles and look at me like I'm crazy when I try to socialize. Some have said to me "that's just the way she is" and that they know me and it's okay when I'm out of line, but those kinds of flippant dismissals just make me feel worse about myself.

I know that my mood disorder has caused a lot of the issues -- cancelling plans, causing an argument over nothing, refusing to compromise, not responding to someone's messages, thinking and acting selfishly, etc -- but now that I'm on my medication and my moods are relatively stable, I can take steps to change these behaviors and I no longer have any excuse for making everyone around me miserable. I no longer have to see things in black and white, I can choose to see the gray. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm lowering my standards or that anyone is any "worse" than I am, but that not everyone agrees on everything and not everyone has to comply with my moods.

The older I get, the more I wish I had more social skills and was able to be a better friend, the more I wish I had someone to turn to when I wanted to talk. I hope cognitive behavioral therapy helps me to fix my faulty thinking and develop friendships so I can provide support for others and give something in return.

This first and foremost includes my parents who have forever loved me and provided for me even though I've always had these problems and never done anything for them. I guess we'll see. 

Some time ago, the writer of some magazine article that I've since forgotten quoted Slash and discussed a principle that I immediately loved and have tried to keep in mind ever since. That principle was that if you wanted to make your dream job a reality, you should treat your passion as if it was already your job, no matter what it is. 

For him this meant playing guitar for at least 8 hours a day.

For me it means: if you want to be a writer, write for 8 hours a day. If you want to be a professor, read literature and literary theory for at least 8 hours a day.

Reading Benjamin Franklin's Autobiography only added to that advice. Seeing the way he divides his day into 8-hour increments and admiring the way he breaks down his day, I was only further convinced that committing 8 hours a day was the way to go.

While filling out my applications, though, I've realized that I have lost that principle once again. I find myself thinking about books as if I've already read them and writing Statements of Purpose as though I'm compiling a list of all the things I want to do while simultaneously failing to begin doing them. How can I expect to survive as a graduate student if I barely read anymore? I will undoubtedly get overwhelmed with the sheer amount of reading required and freeze with anxiety if I don't start getting back into it sooner rather than later.

This is exactly the type of behavior that gets me into trouble. I get ahead of myself. I need to take it one step at a time and start treating this as if it's my job, which means at least 8 hours of reading books and writing about them without constant television, video game, and text message interruptions.

A lot of literature I've read about my disorder, and a lot of my sessions with my therapist have led back to the fact that structure and routine is something that I will always struggle with. No matter how many to-do lists I make, whether digital or written, no matter how many calendars I keep, no matter how much I tell myself I need to do something, I always end up forgetting about it and doing whatever I feel like doing. However, in order to take control of my moods and my days overall, I need to implement some sort of routine. Letting my mood dictate my entire life is not going to lead to any kind of accomplishment at all. 

Self-discipline is a part of the balancing act that I don't think I will ever perfect, but it's crucial that it's something that I become more aware of and work harder toward maintaining.

Week 4 Journal Writing

In your writing journal, you will begin to practice building sentences with adjective and adverbial clauses. For this journal entry, discuss some of the advantages of the place where you live. Using the lists associated with each of these types of clauses, write at least three (3) sentences including adjective clauses and three (3) sentences including adverbial clauses. Underline the adjective and adverbial clauses. Consider their function in both as a modifier and an aspect of your writing style.

Adverbial

Although I prefer to live in Pittsburgh, Florida isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

The best time to come to Cape Coral is in the fall because it is less humid. 

I haven't made many new friends since I've moved here.

Adjectival

I moved back in with my parents, who work from home in Cape Coral.

My cats, who love laying in the sun, are very happy in Florida.

I'd much rather be in a city that offers more activities for young adults.

If these sentences are less descriptive of where I live than of my experience with the town, it's  because I really dislike it here.

Week Three Journal Writings, Crafting an Efficient Writer

"Observe a scene where people are interacting. You might choose a restaurant or a shopping mall. Sporting events and parks are also good places to observe people. Write 5-6 sentences describing this scene and underline the subjects of your sentences. Write a few sentences experimenting with using different types of pronouns from the tables in Unit 3. You will want to keep all of these sentences at hand as you do the writing activities for this unit."

The hostess stares nervously at the clock. The diners at the corner table show no signs of moving, even though they had finished their coffee and dessert. They didn't seem to notice or care about the long line of guests waiting at the door. Their table was nearly clear of dishes. Dining out was clearly not a strong point of theirs. Why won't they just leave? Most people can tell they when they're overstaying their welcome, but not these two. Please just leave. 

-----

"In your journal, continue your observations of the scene observed in journal 1. Note several vivid action verbs that you have already used. Revise some of your sentences using action verbs and/or write 2-3 new sentences with action verbs. Try not to use any of the forms of “to be” (is, are, was, etc.). Underline the action verbs in your sentences. Again, you will want to keep all of these sentences at hand as you do the peer reviewed writing at the end of the unit."

"Their table was nearly clear of dishes." ---> Their waiter had cleared ever dish from the table.

"Dining out was clearly not a strong point of theirs." ---> Dining out displays the best and worst qualities of people.

"They flirt shamelessly." 

What Am I Doing with HTML Again?

If anyone I've known for a long period of time happens to be reading this, they will most likely have an idea of my past with HTML. For those of you that don't, the long and short of it is that I used to run a website that belonged in the "e-zine" category back in the day. Mine was about music. Music e-zines eventually turned into more of a blog-styled kind of website, but when they were in their infancy they were band- and content-centered rather than relying on newsfeeds and forums. And as this evolution occurred, my knowledge of HTML did not.

So when I took a look at my thesis this weekend and turned to the annotated bibliography that I spent a few miserable weeks compiling, the last thing that should have entered my mind was building a website by hand to host a new, more thorough annotated bibliography of all the texts I read from here on out.

I hope no one has ever doubted that I am indeed manic depressive. If that previous paragraph doesn't display mania, I don't know what does. I have decided to do it in spite of that, though, and I am having a reasonable amount of frustrating fun re-learning the basics and seeing what has changed. The only real problem that has come with it is one that comes with that same slight mania that I just mentioned: it is a big project.

I want to have separate categories and also master lists and I want nearly all of it to link back to others. It's a pretty complicated thing. Which generally isn't a problem except that it's a huge undertaking, especially if I don't iron out the specifics before I start adding content. When the internet did away with frames, it brought more chaotic craziness into the lives of people like me who are not professional web developers but want to have a relatively decent website without having to change every single file every time I make a mistake. So, although I'm pretty certain I have the format down, I'm still not adding content which is very frustrating because I am generating content. I am not a very patient person.

Anyway, this post doesn't really serve a purpose I suppose, except to maybe inform whoever comes upon this blog that soon you will be able to keep up with everything I'm reading, with summaries, quotes, and all sorts of fun things.

I'm creating it mostly to keep track for my own purposes, I really hate forgetting that a book exists or what I liked about it and I really just want to have one place where I can look over it and remember. I decided that I didn't want it to be blog-style because I didn't want the entries to be so dependent upon date -- I wanted them to be listed by category and author while the date is hidden away just as a note. Although I do like services like GoodReads and still plan to use them, I don't want it to be a social event, just a list and a summary. So, that's that. Thanks for reading.

Gratitude List

 Introduction

Lately, I can feel myself evolving. I can feel rootlets plunging further into the depths of unfamiliar parts of my brain, causing the stale dirt to overturn and lovingly commingle with the essential oil of both new and returning knowledge. I can feel cogs turning in my head, desperately yearning for a taste of the oil as the powdered old unused ideas grind dryly against their cell-mates. The essence of knowledge slowly succumbs to the desire that is building in the mechanism of my brain, and finally that mechanism is able to work to produce nutrients, so that the tiny rootlets might grow into the beautiful flowers and hearty vegetables that are the concepts and ideas which form the foundation of deep thought and thorough understanding.

As this happens, I am trying to utilize the mindfulness techniques that have thrown themselves in my path so often in these past four months.  I want to gain firm footing as I attempt to start putting one foot in front of the other on the hike to graduate school, and even further to a greater understanding of the universe, my place in it, and what is really important in my life.

What I've noticed as I put these techniques into practice is that I often take things for granted, as human beings are wont to do. It's just human nature. However, that doesn't mean that we can't catch ourselves in the act and take a moment out of our day to smell the flowers that are sprouting from the soil within our heads.

The List Itself

Many of you probably already know or can deduce what a gratitude list is, so I decided to put the list first, followed by the background and my particular guidelines. They are in no particular order and that is because I don't think that things deserving our gratitude and loved should be ranked. That's just my personal preference.

• I am grateful for my parents and family for not only cutting me an enormous amount of slack, but also for really making an effort to understand my disorder and trying to include me and make me feel loved even when I push them away. I'm also grateful that my parents listen when I say that I want to be alone and that they're beginning to trust me when I say that I'm fine.
• I am grateful for the support of my professor, who is giving me a second chance and helping me so much throughout the process of applying to graduate school. She had every right to say that she didn't feel comfortable giving me a good review, but instead she's choosing to help me even as she's especially very busy in her career at the moment. 
• I'm grateful for my brain. Even though it's gotten me into some trouble, it's lightening fast and extremely good at recognizing unlikely similarities. It's "all-in" or "all-out" function is something I cherish and I am so happy to be passionate enough about one thing to do it all day and all night.
• I'm grateful for my cats, who have been through the ringer with me and have never failed to comfort me no matter what the situation. I'm grateful to wake up cuddling Ollie almost every morning, I'm grateful that Lola makes me work for her affection, I love that they are just so unquestionably loyal and unbearably cute. 

Although the gratitude list is normally five items, I want to stop there for now and just soak it in because that's enough love and thankfulness to make me explode. 

A Bit of Background on the Gratitude List

If you've ever had friends or family that have needed help, you'll probably be familiar with the concept. If not: in some treatment programs they ask you to list five things that you're grateful for today. In one rehab, we did this every day in our first group, so we'd have to consider what happened yesterday that wasn't half bad or that brightened our day. In another rehab, we did it every Friday.

As you can imagine, that gets quite repetitive in a group-setting, especially when the group pretty much remains the same week to week. It's also inevitable that answers are repeated often and not expounded upon, which in my opinion always seemed to water down the entire purpose of the exercise.

So, while there are no real rules for the Gratitude List, I do think there are some general guidelines that ought to govern such things, and that will do so on my blog at least. Mainly:

1. I think that these things should be somewhere in between vague and specific. 
2. I think things that are similar in nature should be considered as one list item. 
3. I also think these things should be of some significant weight, and although the definition of significant differs, the definition of "fluff" is pretty standard, so none of that. 

So, that's that. I strongly encourage everyone to research mindfulness exercises and to make gratitude lists of their own, it really helps to recognize what's really going on around you and put things in perspective. 

Crafting an Efficient Writer Journals 1 & 2

10 nouns: television; books; Lola; Ollie; glasses; iPad; lotion; teacup; sweatpants; photograph.

10 adjectives: bright; quiet; cluttered; chilly; unused; well-read; soft; sleepy; full; satirical.

5 verbs: to work; to clean; to organize; to read: to stretch.

5 adverbs: diligently; effortlessly; thoroughly; endlessly; energetically. 

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1. Ollie was still sleepy, and so after she thoroughly stretched, she changed positions and fell back asleep.

2. I diligently read and organize my many, well-read books, but the rest of my room remains cluttered.

3. The quiet television works endlessly to get my attention through rapid scene changes and bright advertisements.

"No Good Deed"

My cat sleeps peacefully next to me on an ocean-sized bed in Florida.

In the background, the television provides white noise, full of violence and anger.

I am tired, but calm.

Yet the urge to persist haunts me, my racing thoughts far outlasting my failing body.

Manic.

On Note-taking.

Every time I take a course or read a book, I notice that I take excessive notes. I underline, highlight, write nearly as much as the book itself. And every single time I think about how obsessive my behavior is, but I can hardly change it. The entire point of taking notes is to highlight what's important: what may be on a test, what you'd like to remember for the future, anything that might be useful. So why do I highlight so much? I have two theories, and they both mostly revolve around memory.

First is what would amount to test anxiety. I'm afraid that if I leave anything at all out, I'll miss the important bit and fail the whole class or miss the point of the whole book. Of course, I don't think that's actually true but on some level, the odds are in its favor. I feel like I'm not going to remember my thoughts by the time I get to the next chapter and then what if I want to make an argument based on the whole book?

Secondly, I am an autodidact and I want to remember everything, so I figure the muscle memory of writing it down will help my recall. Or if not, the topic will be close at hand in a handy notebook, or my thoughts on a piece will have been recorded. Many people have this desire -- to be a walking encyclopedia, to retain everything you read and be able to speak intelligently on any topic you study. I just want to learn the material thoroughly and not forget it when I pick up something else.

 So what to do when you have a book full of underlines, a notebook full of notes? How is that any easier than having a blank book? Well, in the case of the notebook -- something is better than nothing, although it will still be quite the challenge to find what's necessary. However, the second one closes a notebook, it often ends up sitting on the shelf for years in its exact state. As for texts, sifting through one riddled with underlines is much the same as sifting through a brand new book with no markers of importance at all.

Solutions:
I thought it wouldn't be fair to myself to withhold from trying to come up with a solution.

For the first problem, instead of taking "notes," I ought to write brief summaries every now and then. At the end of each chapter if possible, or every few paragraphs. Whenever I feel I have a grasp on the material. That way I have a better idea of what might be important and I can turn the material over in my head, which will help me learn it better as well.

Secondly, I need to start reading closer and deeper the first time around. I need to meditate on the text, turn it around in my head and think about it from every possible point of view. Question it, read between the lines. Look at the syntax and diction. Form an opinion on different aspects of the text. I'm getting better at doing this, but it takes a lot of time and practice.


Maybe if I keep talking about it, it will start to come together. I hope so. Copying entire lectures and reading assignments is really harmful to my learning because I don't really digest the words that I copy -- I read superficially as I copy and that's no bueno.

Anyone else have similar problems?

Thoughts on Wilfrid Sellars

This post was inspired by the reading I've done for an online course called Ideas of the 20th Century, available at http://www.edx.org. The readings for this course included a selection from "Philosophy and the Scientific Image of Man" by Wilfrid Sellars, and I've been thinking a lot about his writings. Some of the text that inspired these thoughts is below the entry, but not all of it. It's enough to give a general idea. I very well may have interpreted his writing wrong, so feel free to correct/argue with  me if you'd like.

Sellars states in his essay that each man is different in each situation. A man is different at a doctor's appointment than he is at work, than he is with his family. There are many different versions of this man, each with its own set of values and norms and his point of view shifts depending upon where he is. I like this idea of multiplicity, and I like his description of community which is in the text below. A person belongs to different communities, and his norms and intentions derive from all of these communities. The community that he feels most a part of is the community that will have most influence on his decisions and standards. The path of your rationality is determined by the community's standards and how yours work within theirs, as well. It's a giant web, your associations always having an influence.

I would assume you tend to gravitate toward similar communities and so the standards of each rarely conflict. If they do, you'd have to find a compromise or choose which is closer to your own set of morals.

Anywho, this isn't very deep and it's not a real analysis of the text but it got me thinking. Back to class.

"An individual may belong to many communities, some of which overlap, some of which are arranged like Chinese boxes. The most embracing community to which he belongs consists of those with whom he can enter into meaningful discourse. The scope of the embracing community is the scope of 'we' in its most embracing non-metaphorical use. 'We', in this fundamental sense (in which it is equivalent to the French 'on' or English 'one') is no less basic than the other 'persons' in which verbs are conjugated. Thus, to recognize a featherless biped or dolphin or Martian as a person is to think of oneself and it as belonging to a community.

Now, the fundamental principles of a community, which define what is 'correct' or 'incorrect', 'right' or 'wrong', 'done' or 'not done', are the most general common intentions of that community with respect to the behaviour of members of the group. It follows that to recognize a featherless biped or dolphin or Martian as a person requires that one think thoughts of the form, 'We (one) shall do (or abstain from doing) actions of kind A in circumstances of kind C'. To think thoughts of this kind is not to classify or explain, but to rehearse an intentions.

Thus the conceptual framework of persons is the framework in which we think of one another as sharing the community intentions which provide the ambience of principles and standards (above all, those which make meaningful discourse and rationality itself possible) within which we live our own individual lives. A person can almost be defined as a being that has intentions.Thus the conceptual framework of persons is not something that needs to be reconciled with the scientific image, but rather something to be joined to it. Thus, to complete the scientific image we need to enrich it not with more ways of saying what is the case, but with the language of community and individual intentions, so that by construing the actions we intend to do and the circumstances in which we intend to do them in scientific terms, we directly relate the world as conceived by scientific theory to our purposes, and make it our world and no longer an alien appendage to the world in which we do our living. We can, of course, as matters now stand, realize this direct incorporation of the scientific image into our way of life only in imagination. But to do so is, if only in imagination, to transcend the dualism of the manifest and scientific images of man-ofthe- world. "